Tossed and turned beyond 3 AM. The past few weeks replaying in my head, not quite in the way they happened, but in the way my vicious mind said they should have happened. I lay awake imaging what was not. I got more miserable by the minute. By dawn, I was angry.
The daughter suffered a terrible blow yesterday. After weeks of intense preparation for a sports event in school, she lost. I watched her crumble. I experienced her terrible disappointment. I wanted to take away all her pain. But I was paralyzed. Her entire team wrapped her in a huddle, shielding off others from seeing her in tears. I couldn't find the strength to break into the circle. I couldn't even summon up the words of comfort. I stiffened up, felt trapped somehow. When she needed me most, I just couldn't make myself emotionally available to her. I felt like Alice in Wonderland, suddenly shrunk into a helpless inch, shoved into a bottle of my own critical thoughts.
At my daughter's lowest point, I collapsed into self blame. I kept accusing myself of not doing enough. I beat myself up. I tortured myself with regret. And, unfortunately, made myself emotionally unavailable to her. I hated myself and lost the precious chance to be there for my daughter. This afternoon, bleary eyed and punch drunk with fatigue, the truth dawned on me: the cliche is right. You can only give your kids the love you have for yourself. If there's not much love there from you for you, your kids lose out.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
Quality time and quality life
Up to a few weeks ago, my time with family seemed to be punctuated with impatience. I arrived home, carried Javo for a few minutes and gave him back to his yaya. Played with him for a few minutes then returned him again. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. Why did I not want to spend so much time and effort with my baby who is so sweet and loving?
The same was true with my relationship with Martin. More and more often I would be impatient and snap for no apparent reason. So much so that he said if I was like that now, what would life be like when I reached the menopausal stage.
At work, I would get irritated at the slightest problem. It was all over me--this gloom, doom, and beware the cat with hidden claws and fangs. And then it happened.
The experience is as life-altering as the Landmark Forum experience--at least to me it was. A few weeks ago I was introduced to this sanitary napkin that has an anion strip in it. The anion strip contains thousands of negative ions which is found in rain, forest, ocean, waterfalls. Apparently these negative ions help with mood, gives high energy, helps control bacteria too.
Since I began using these pads, I have had more energy to play with Javo--I can lift him in the air, play energetically with him for as long as I want, and be patient with him when I need to be patient. I have also been more patient with Martin and things at work. All in all, this has been a miraculous find for me. It has changed my life in so very many positive ways. Although this has been its effect on me, on others the surge in energy may not be as noticeable--maybe just a bit more energy to run the extra mile but nonetheless it has made an impact in our lives
I now have more energy, patience, and love to do what needs to be done--both at home and at work. I didn't realize how big an impact fatigue played on my life until then.
The same was true with my relationship with Martin. More and more often I would be impatient and snap for no apparent reason. So much so that he said if I was like that now, what would life be like when I reached the menopausal stage.
At work, I would get irritated at the slightest problem. It was all over me--this gloom, doom, and beware the cat with hidden claws and fangs. And then it happened.
The experience is as life-altering as the Landmark Forum experience--at least to me it was. A few weeks ago I was introduced to this sanitary napkin that has an anion strip in it. The anion strip contains thousands of negative ions which is found in rain, forest, ocean, waterfalls. Apparently these negative ions help with mood, gives high energy, helps control bacteria too.
Since I began using these pads, I have had more energy to play with Javo--I can lift him in the air, play energetically with him for as long as I want, and be patient with him when I need to be patient. I have also been more patient with Martin and things at work. All in all, this has been a miraculous find for me. It has changed my life in so very many positive ways. Although this has been its effect on me, on others the surge in energy may not be as noticeable--maybe just a bit more energy to run the extra mile but nonetheless it has made an impact in our lives
I now have more energy, patience, and love to do what needs to be done--both at home and at work. I didn't realize how big an impact fatigue played on my life until then.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
life changes
Last night was a testimony to how much my life has changed. I am a mother to a nine-month old boy. Life before that was carefree--all I had to think about was myself. I could spend or not spend at my whim without having to think of consequences to others. Today, I find myself withholding on myself as things for Javo are now paramount--his milk, his diapers, his health, his comfort.
I sit here typing with half an ear towards the room in case he wakes up. His yaya is sick and getting well and so his care falls to me. The night before as I was caring for him, I had to take a work-related call and looking for someone to turn him over to was an experience. So was the panic yesterday when I received a text message about a meeting at 10:30--it was 10:30 and I was still in my home clothes--with no yaya and Martin had left on an errand. It's a good thing someone was able to take him while Martin was gone.
I'm new to this--this pull between home and work. I know my baby comes first but what about my responsibility to the office. But then again, what about my responsibility to my family?
I sit here typing with half an ear towards the room in case he wakes up. His yaya is sick and getting well and so his care falls to me. The night before as I was caring for him, I had to take a work-related call and looking for someone to turn him over to was an experience. So was the panic yesterday when I received a text message about a meeting at 10:30--it was 10:30 and I was still in my home clothes--with no yaya and Martin had left on an errand. It's a good thing someone was able to take him while Martin was gone.
I'm new to this--this pull between home and work. I know my baby comes first but what about my responsibility to the office. But then again, what about my responsibility to my family?
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