Growing in inner confidence

As an adult, I lived my life searching for the meaning of my life. Searching for answers to questions of who I was and what I was meant to do.

I lived my life trying to please other people but to my frustration, I could never please everyone. More often than not, I seemed to fall short of other people's measuring stick. And so I lived my life feeling there was something wrong with me and began a long love-hate relationship with myself. I did not realize that this way of relating to myself was a surefire way of insuring a life of failure and mediocrity. I lived this way for the majority of my life until 2005 when I was introduced to the world of personal transformation. Life has been one of growth and adventure since then.

I have been an avid student of personal transformation for close to four years now and my life and how I perceive the world I live in has taken a 365-degree turn. It is in this world where I came to understand myself. I came to understand that I was born perfect--in the image and likeness of God. I was given everything I need to fulfill my life mission when I was born--from my personality to my life experiences. That underneath all the imperfections of myself today, is a perfect being waiting to unfold. That I am perfect where I am in my life today. That my experiences--successes and failures--are there to teach me lessons to prepare me for my purpose.

I have been learning that loving and believing in myself is the most important key to my success. Living my life as I see fit and not as others think I should live my life. Of course, there are values to live by such as integrity and respect for others. Being able to live my life as I see fit is only possible though, with love and respect for myself.

Before my life of transformation, I would always doubt the inner voice directing me to do things. I would not listen and instead do what others dictated me to do. In doing this, I was slowly destroying the spirit in me. I was slowly destroying myself. I have now begun to listen to inner voice. To accept the wisdom that she has about what she is capable of being and doing. I have also come to accept praise from others. I would always brush them aside but doing this was not helpful to who I was. As I come to accept myself, I grow stronger in confidence and my ability to be and do what I was born to do.

Gwowing up with my child

I had my baby two years ago when I was 41 years old. You'd think I would have been prepared to care for him and nurture him since I was in my 40s when I had him.

Unfortunately, I was rejecting him. I could not understand why I could not seem to care enough to breastfeed, to play and just enjoy the precious moments. I would care for him though--feed him, bathe him, sing to him when needed, change his nappies--all physical activities showed my love for him. I wasn't enjoying it though--the way my husband and in-laws all enjoyed him.

It was only a year after giving birth did I attend a workshop called Reparenting the Child Within. It showed me that one of my deepest hurts was a rejection of myself. I felt I was not good enough for anything. I was not worthy of being noticed, of being part of this world. This self-rejection manifested itself through a rejection of my baby. It was not my baby but myself I was rejecting. Thank goodness I am working on this and I am on the road to finally loving myself and believing in my worthiness.

My son is now two years old. My infant too, is now a toddler. After caring and playing with my son for two or three hours straight, my toddler also cries out to be noticed. It is only recently that I realized what was happening. When this begins to happen, I turn over my son to my husband and pay attention to myself.

This may sound strange but it shows up by making me crabby and I feel like throwing tantrums at everyone around me. When I stop to listen to what is going on within, I realize that my inner self is crying out and that is why this anger, this irritation, this impatience, this desire to do what I want and not pay attention to anyone. Sometimes our children bring out the best in us and sometimes they bring out the worst in us. It is the worst in us which we should look into as it says something about what we need.

All is quiet as I write this. My son is asleep and I am doing what I enjoy--reading and writing--all is peaceful within as well.

Asserting my Self

Something happened at work yesterday--I spoke up and had my views heard. Never in a million years could I have imagined that day would come.
I lived life in fear. Although I was present on a daily basis, I would cower into myself by saying yes to everyone--whether I agreed with what was being said or not. I was proud of being the chameleon--changing my views to suit the group I was with.
Little did I realize that doing this meant I did not have my own voice. That I was allowing others to live my life for me. I enabled people to step on me by being subservient to their desires. This habit also left me with an inability to choose and decide for myself. At work, I always deferred to the choices and decisions of others even when I had an opinion. I had no preference for food when I was with others. I could not choose my clothes because I needed the approval of others.
It is after going through hundreds of workshops and years of searching that I realize that it was a lack of love for myself that had me doing those things. It is when a sense of being worthy or when love of self is present that this inability to be assertive disappears because then we are sure of ourselves and approval comes from within and not from without.

How can we start developing our ability to assert ourselves?
1. Practice choosing and deciding--where to eat when asked. State your preferences and don't say "I don't know, where would you want to go?"
2. Practice making yourself heard--even taking small baby steps. Voice out what you want to do. How you feel about certain topics no matter how small they are.

Listening to My Child

I finally realize what it is--this inability to be productive after a particularly hectic day or days. It's my inner child calling out for attention. I can just imagine her putting her hands over my head so nothing comes out until I talk to her. Until I acknowledge her existence and what she has to say to me.
The past year has been an exciting journey with more exciting journeys ahead of us. She is telling me that this blog will be a big part of our lives from now on. That child within each of us that helps us live our lives to the fullest is just waiting to be released--yours and mine. She is calling me to lead the way--to shine our light on our adventure.
Welcome to my blog. Where I will share my thoughts on growing up, enjoying family, loving children, enjoying parents.

Accept myself, accept my son

It is almost a year since my first blog entry. In it I asked why I could not seem to bond and enjoy my son's company the way I do the others.

Almost a year later, I realize that it was because I could not accept myself. It is unfortunate that how we feel about ourselves is sometimes reflected on the way we behave with our children. I know in my case it was. I was constantly rejecting myself and I was constantly rejecting my son. In accepting myself I now accept the one person who is totally connected to me. In loving myself, I am finally capable of loving.

Our own space

Last November 2008, we chose to take a leap of faith and moved out into our own little space. It was a gamble worth taking. We now have our own space where we can just be ourselves without having to constantly be on the defensive. Some of our actions in the past were constantly met with criticism.

It may not be the path others will take but this is our path and our path alone. It has been a great four months. We are happy and content and just joyful to be.