Gwowing up with my child

I had my baby two years ago when I was 41 years old. You'd think I would have been prepared to care for him and nurture him since I was in my 40s when I had him.

Unfortunately, I was rejecting him. I could not understand why I could not seem to care enough to breastfeed, to play and just enjoy the precious moments. I would care for him though--feed him, bathe him, sing to him when needed, change his nappies--all physical activities showed my love for him. I wasn't enjoying it though--the way my husband and in-laws all enjoyed him.

It was only a year after giving birth did I attend a workshop called Reparenting the Child Within. It showed me that one of my deepest hurts was a rejection of myself. I felt I was not good enough for anything. I was not worthy of being noticed, of being part of this world. This self-rejection manifested itself through a rejection of my baby. It was not my baby but myself I was rejecting. Thank goodness I am working on this and I am on the road to finally loving myself and believing in my worthiness.

My son is now two years old. My infant too, is now a toddler. After caring and playing with my son for two or three hours straight, my toddler also cries out to be noticed. It is only recently that I realized what was happening. When this begins to happen, I turn over my son to my husband and pay attention to myself.

This may sound strange but it shows up by making me crabby and I feel like throwing tantrums at everyone around me. When I stop to listen to what is going on within, I realize that my inner self is crying out and that is why this anger, this irritation, this impatience, this desire to do what I want and not pay attention to anyone. Sometimes our children bring out the best in us and sometimes they bring out the worst in us. It is the worst in us which we should look into as it says something about what we need.

All is quiet as I write this. My son is asleep and I am doing what I enjoy--reading and writing--all is peaceful within as well.