I had my baby two years ago when I was 41 years old. You'd think I would have been prepared to care for him and nurture him since I was in my 40s when I had him.
Unfortunately, I was rejecting him. I could not understand why I could not seem to care enough to breastfeed, to play and just enjoy the precious moments. I would care for him though--feed him, bathe him, sing to him when needed, change his nappies--all physical activities showed my love for him. I wasn't enjoying it though--the way my husband and in-laws all enjoyed him.
It was only a year after giving birth did I attend a workshop called Reparenting the Child Within. It showed me that one of my deepest hurts was a rejection of myself. I felt I was not good enough for anything. I was not worthy of being noticed, of being part of this world. This self-rejection manifested itself through a rejection of my baby. It was not my baby but myself I was rejecting. Thank goodness I am working on this and I am on the road to finally loving myself and believing in my worthiness.
My son is now two years old. My infant too, is now a toddler. After caring and playing with my son for two or three hours straight, my toddler also cries out to be noticed. It is only recently that I realized what was happening. When this begins to happen, I turn over my son to my husband and pay attention to myself.
This may sound strange but it shows up by making me crabby and I feel like throwing tantrums at everyone around me. When I stop to listen to what is going on within, I realize that my inner self is crying out and that is why this anger, this irritation, this impatience, this desire to do what I want and not pay attention to anyone. Sometimes our children bring out the best in us and sometimes they bring out the worst in us. It is the worst in us which we should look into as it says something about what we need.
All is quiet as I write this. My son is asleep and I am doing what I enjoy--reading and writing--all is peaceful within as well.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Asserting my Self
Something happened at work yesterday--I spoke up and had my views heard. Never in a million years could I have imagined that day would come.
I lived life in fear. Although I was present on a daily basis, I would cower into myself by saying yes to everyone--whether I agreed with what was being said or not. I was proud of being the chameleon--changing my views to suit the group I was with.
Little did I realize that doing this meant I did not have my own voice. That I was allowing others to live my life for me. I enabled people to step on me by being subservient to their desires. This habit also left me with an inability to choose and decide for myself. At work, I always deferred to the choices and decisions of others even when I had an opinion. I had no preference for food when I was with others. I could not choose my clothes because I needed the approval of others.
It is after going through hundreds of workshops and years of searching that I realize that it was a lack of love for myself that had me doing those things. It is when a sense of being worthy or when love of self is present that this inability to be assertive disappears because then we are sure of ourselves and approval comes from within and not from without.
How can we start developing our ability to assert ourselves?
1. Practice choosing and deciding--where to eat when asked. State your preferences and don't say "I don't know, where would you want to go?"
2. Practice making yourself heard--even taking small baby steps. Voice out what you want to do. How you feel about certain topics no matter how small they are.
I lived life in fear. Although I was present on a daily basis, I would cower into myself by saying yes to everyone--whether I agreed with what was being said or not. I was proud of being the chameleon--changing my views to suit the group I was with.
Little did I realize that doing this meant I did not have my own voice. That I was allowing others to live my life for me. I enabled people to step on me by being subservient to their desires. This habit also left me with an inability to choose and decide for myself. At work, I always deferred to the choices and decisions of others even when I had an opinion. I had no preference for food when I was with others. I could not choose my clothes because I needed the approval of others.
It is after going through hundreds of workshops and years of searching that I realize that it was a lack of love for myself that had me doing those things. It is when a sense of being worthy or when love of self is present that this inability to be assertive disappears because then we are sure of ourselves and approval comes from within and not from without.
How can we start developing our ability to assert ourselves?
1. Practice choosing and deciding--where to eat when asked. State your preferences and don't say "I don't know, where would you want to go?"
2. Practice making yourself heard--even taking small baby steps. Voice out what you want to do. How you feel about certain topics no matter how small they are.
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