Looking for Marla

In an effort to understand myself, my reactions to situations, my relationship with my child, my husband and the rest of the world, I have discovered that we develop personas that help us cope with life. I found this out through the various personal transformation workshops I have been attending since 2005.

This persona appeared while we were children, growing up in an adult world and life would sometimes bring us situations which we could not understand. It appeared to help us cope with the situations that come our way. I discovered that I deal with life by disappearing or hiding from what is happening around me.

This hiding comes in the form of denial of talents, of procrastinating when I am faced with a nasty situation, and anxiety when surrounded by a room full of strangers among many others.

Every once in a while though, this Marla who was "born to shine a light on the world" (paraphrased from Marianne Williamson's words) insists on being noticed. She comes out when I face my fears head on and come out triumphant. She appeared when I lived in Spain for a year. She appears each time I agree to speak in front of an audience.

She is here now when I finally acknowledged that writing is my Godgiven talent and one way for me to shine a light in the world. I always thought that one had to be visual to be creative and so I always complained of my inability to draw, to do crafts, to imagine pictures in my head the way others would.

Marla the writer has been waiting to be acknowledged. She pushed her way out today by insisting on writing about her journey of discovery. I finally acknowledge that writing is my gift. That it was given to me together with my ability to dissect my inner life and my willingness to share of my journey with others. This is my way of letting my light show.

It is an exciting journey, one worth taking and living.

Javo goes to school

Javo turned four years old last April--with that comes another milestone--the beginning of school. Although he has been going to "school" this past year with his speech and occupational therapists, this is his first year in formal school.

When I first brought him to the school of our choice last April, his face held a mix of emotions. Excitement at the thought of going to a new school and anxiety at the thought of being left alone. I had informed him that we would take him to school and then pick him up when he was done--that we would not wait in school.

Seeing his reaction, I found various ways to introduce to him the concept of school--through the children's books at home on going to school and pointing out how all his cousins went to school by themselves. I would talk to him about school every now and then and would get the same reaction--excitement and anxiety.

The week before classes began, I still had the same reaction from him. But suddenly a few days before we started he told me, "I will go to school by myself. No papi and no mommy." I was so happy about that attitude reversal but was still prepared to stay in case he changed his mind.

The day of school arrived. He could not wait till his class began and so he was ready at 8am for his 11am class. I told him that we would bring him in that day because his bag was heavy with the school requirements. We ate a heavy merienda at 10am and left for school at 1030am. True enough, after a few minutes in the school premises and trying the different playground equipment, he bids us goodbye.

What is a mom to do except go away as requested. So Martin and I left him in the capable hands of his teacher. I left happy that he had chosen to be left on his own and felt like crying because he was growing up so fast. My independent toddler is now an independent preschooler.

We went back to school early so that we would be there when his class came out. They came out in a straight line single file. My boy was all smiles and clearly enjoyed his first day in school! This is just the beginning of what I hope would be a great experience for him.

Loosening up and bath time

We brought Javo to watch Kung Fu Panda 2 in the big screen recently. Aside from the entertainment value to kids of all ages, it had very many messages for those on the road to personal transformation.

Javo enjoyed it immensely and amidst WOWs and OOOHHHs from him, mom had her own revelations and enjoyed the same movie in a different way. I finally got loosening up and just in time too--for our Mommy-Javo ten day bonding time. I finally got enjoying his company and our differences.

Among the many different areas where we have our differences is during bath time. I used to have such a difficult time getting him in there because I wanted to finish the bath fast and I wanted to stay dry. Unfortunately that route meant a lot of whining and cajoling and a whole lot of delaying tactics. I finally get that he just enjoys having fun so now I bring a whole lot of toys for bath time and most of the time end up getting drenched but at least my objective of a bath is reached and we are both happy.

Growing in inner confidence

As an adult, I lived my life searching for the meaning of my life. Searching for answers to questions of who I was and what I was meant to do.

I lived my life trying to please other people but to my frustration, I could never please everyone. More often than not, I seemed to fall short of other people's measuring stick. And so I lived my life feeling there was something wrong with me and began a long love-hate relationship with myself. I did not realize that this way of relating to myself was a surefire way of insuring a life of failure and mediocrity. I lived this way for the majority of my life until 2005 when I was introduced to the world of personal transformation. Life has been one of growth and adventure since then.

I have been an avid student of personal transformation for close to four years now and my life and how I perceive the world I live in has taken a 365-degree turn. It is in this world where I came to understand myself. I came to understand that I was born perfect--in the image and likeness of God. I was given everything I need to fulfill my life mission when I was born--from my personality to my life experiences. That underneath all the imperfections of myself today, is a perfect being waiting to unfold. That I am perfect where I am in my life today. That my experiences--successes and failures--are there to teach me lessons to prepare me for my purpose.

I have been learning that loving and believing in myself is the most important key to my success. Living my life as I see fit and not as others think I should live my life. Of course, there are values to live by such as integrity and respect for others. Being able to live my life as I see fit is only possible though, with love and respect for myself.

Before my life of transformation, I would always doubt the inner voice directing me to do things. I would not listen and instead do what others dictated me to do. In doing this, I was slowly destroying the spirit in me. I was slowly destroying myself. I have now begun to listen to inner voice. To accept the wisdom that she has about what she is capable of being and doing. I have also come to accept praise from others. I would always brush them aside but doing this was not helpful to who I was. As I come to accept myself, I grow stronger in confidence and my ability to be and do what I was born to do.

Gwowing up with my child

I had my baby two years ago when I was 41 years old. You'd think I would have been prepared to care for him and nurture him since I was in my 40s when I had him.

Unfortunately, I was rejecting him. I could not understand why I could not seem to care enough to breastfeed, to play and just enjoy the precious moments. I would care for him though--feed him, bathe him, sing to him when needed, change his nappies--all physical activities showed my love for him. I wasn't enjoying it though--the way my husband and in-laws all enjoyed him.

It was only a year after giving birth did I attend a workshop called Reparenting the Child Within. It showed me that one of my deepest hurts was a rejection of myself. I felt I was not good enough for anything. I was not worthy of being noticed, of being part of this world. This self-rejection manifested itself through a rejection of my baby. It was not my baby but myself I was rejecting. Thank goodness I am working on this and I am on the road to finally loving myself and believing in my worthiness.

My son is now two years old. My infant too, is now a toddler. After caring and playing with my son for two or three hours straight, my toddler also cries out to be noticed. It is only recently that I realized what was happening. When this begins to happen, I turn over my son to my husband and pay attention to myself.

This may sound strange but it shows up by making me crabby and I feel like throwing tantrums at everyone around me. When I stop to listen to what is going on within, I realize that my inner self is crying out and that is why this anger, this irritation, this impatience, this desire to do what I want and not pay attention to anyone. Sometimes our children bring out the best in us and sometimes they bring out the worst in us. It is the worst in us which we should look into as it says something about what we need.

All is quiet as I write this. My son is asleep and I am doing what I enjoy--reading and writing--all is peaceful within as well.

Asserting my Self

Something happened at work yesterday--I spoke up and had my views heard. Never in a million years could I have imagined that day would come.
I lived life in fear. Although I was present on a daily basis, I would cower into myself by saying yes to everyone--whether I agreed with what was being said or not. I was proud of being the chameleon--changing my views to suit the group I was with.
Little did I realize that doing this meant I did not have my own voice. That I was allowing others to live my life for me. I enabled people to step on me by being subservient to their desires. This habit also left me with an inability to choose and decide for myself. At work, I always deferred to the choices and decisions of others even when I had an opinion. I had no preference for food when I was with others. I could not choose my clothes because I needed the approval of others.
It is after going through hundreds of workshops and years of searching that I realize that it was a lack of love for myself that had me doing those things. It is when a sense of being worthy or when love of self is present that this inability to be assertive disappears because then we are sure of ourselves and approval comes from within and not from without.

How can we start developing our ability to assert ourselves?
1. Practice choosing and deciding--where to eat when asked. State your preferences and don't say "I don't know, where would you want to go?"
2. Practice making yourself heard--even taking small baby steps. Voice out what you want to do. How you feel about certain topics no matter how small they are.

Listening to My Child

I finally realize what it is--this inability to be productive after a particularly hectic day or days. It's my inner child calling out for attention. I can just imagine her putting her hands over my head so nothing comes out until I talk to her. Until I acknowledge her existence and what she has to say to me.
The past year has been an exciting journey with more exciting journeys ahead of us. She is telling me that this blog will be a big part of our lives from now on. That child within each of us that helps us live our lives to the fullest is just waiting to be released--yours and mine. She is calling me to lead the way--to shine our light on our adventure.
Welcome to my blog. Where I will share my thoughts on growing up, enjoying family, loving children, enjoying parents.